ARMs Gone Wild
by Draconic Foot Fetish
Summary: Rudy Roughnight comes out as his true inner self.
1. Chapter 1

Rudy Roughnight was masturbating, when a Melchom appeared and kicked him because his face was too fat. Enraged by the dickfaggotry of this smarmy rich cuntknocker, Rudy punched through his own metal ribcage, withdrawing from it a machine gun chainsaw made of pain and Mother's lead pubic hairs. Rudy fired upon the Melchom with his ultimate weapon, but couldn't land a hit and the Melchom escaped, all the while singing about the futility of fleeing from death. Rudy's rage sublimated, driving him to rip off his skin and eat it. It was nothing but an anthropocentric lie, like the promises of holy books.

Rudy ran into the nearest town without his skin, making dubstep noises and scaring everyone for no reason at all.

"Rudy, put your skin back on!" Yelled Boomerang. He was having a mixed drink of molten lead and motorcycle blood.

"No! I am android, and proud!" Rudy stole Boomerang's drink and took in a huge mouthful, then spit the boiling lead all over the pathetic flesh creatures perusing the tavern. Rudy spit the motorcycle blood on the jukebox, mutating it into a metal child.

Alhazad hit the scene because he was hungry for metal child, so he ate Rudy's son because the moons touch each other inappropriately during the daytime. This made Rudy so mad, he puked liquid nitrogen then punched Alhazad's eye into a dimension made entirely out of lasers which queef bloody tornadoes. From this dimension flew Zed, wielding a laser tornado stick which was so well educated in foreclosure law, even black holes feared it. But these black holes were lies, for they were in actuality basins of pure sin which housed vast civilizations of false Elw with upside-down faces, whose cells were made of the very motorcycle blood Boomerang downed like super heroin for metal creatures.

Rudy punched his Terminator fists through Filgaia's crust and withdrew from its mantle a very large foam narwhal forged from the brains of the last dragons. He pierced Zed's taint with this narwhal, making Zed's eyes explode, which flung antimatter at Rudy's rusted gold heart. Rudy then noticed, just then, that he was raping the Andromeda Galaxy, and his hydraulics needed inspection.

Rudy's feet exploded due to catastrophic hydraulic failure, so he flew using the explosions which replaced his feet to Hiades, then kicked it in half, spilling its guts upon the Milky Way Galaxy, making it scream. Rudy then stuck his robotic dick into the kickfissure and jizzed mercury inside the cavity, turning the planet into a habitat ideal for metal creatures. Rudy was displeased with his work. He smashed Hiades with his face then blended it into a planetshake. Rudy returned to Filgaia, took a swig, then spit the planet juice into Zed's eyeless face. Zed laughed, then kicked Rudy where his nutsack would be if he was still wearing his meatsuit.

Zeikfried fell from the sky, landing upon Rudy. He was holding a metal placenta, which he punched through Zed's skull, avenging the death of his grandson at long last. Zed's metal dick exploded, which made Aura cry. Her tears seeped into Filgaia's crust, undermining its efforts to impress Cybertron. Filgaia became so depressed due to its unrequited love, it fell into a wormhole and flew straight through to the other side, to the 5th dimension. But the dimension was a joke, an effagy, for it was really just the stock market.

Sick of the stock market being ugly, Rudy melted Zed with the power of his mind, then shaped the molten slag into a dildo which resembled the Glumzanber but was spikier, like a morningstar crossed with a hedgehog, and brimmed with the agonized deaths of all the fallen metal demons. Using this weapon, Rudy bashed in Zeikfried's pointy head, then ripped it off and stuffed it up Boomerang's exhaust pipe. Rudy then punched straight through the space-time continuum and withdrew from the past his younger self, then flew upon this almighty superweapon through dimensions, wiping out entire galaxies because his guilty pleasure was masturbating to soap operas.

A challenger appeared. It was Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta. He charged at Rudy but missed, and was deftly slapped, which surprised him enough that he couldn't fight being bent over. Rudy laughed as he shoved the entire Holmcross up Gogeta's furry bosom, then kicked right through Gogeta's brain, which he pureed into a soup and fed to his Elw slaves to keep them oblivious to the potential of a higher existence. But the Elw revolted anyway, frying Rudy's CPU with an electromagnet made from the corpses of the metal demons slain by his past self, then threw his catatonic scrapheap body into a dungeon where it got gangbanged 24/7 by the ghosts of the metal demons and Gogeta.


	2. Chapter 2

The MRI machines have achieved sapience and are threatening the metal demon empire.

An MRI tried to eat Zed, who parried it with his fangs then threw it at a pile of copper bananas, turning it into a 4 dimensional yeti.

Zed demanded to be taken to the leader of the MRI race.

It was a man no demon could ever hope to phase. It was Gregory House!

Rudy entered the MRI machine which was House's faithful servant and turned it up to full power. The machine tore him to shreds, the shrapnel flying violently out of the device like a mortar, killing the motherfucking shit out of House.

Zed shed an alkaline tear for all the uneaten pizzas left to turn cold alone, and vowed to avenge Rudy's sacrifice. He tore out his boron prostate and flew to the sun, then squirted his metal prostate juice on it, putting the sun out. Zed bored into the core of the sun using his thick skull, discovering at its core the orchestrators of all things foul.

The orchestrators hurled filthy laundry from their fetid tear ducts at Zed, but missed and instead melted the galaxy with the raw stench of oppression and hunger. Zed's eyes inverted as his spleen became a hurricane of rednecks in a vacuum. The universe shifted, rocketing Zed right through the orchestrators, converting them to cheese which smelled of dicks and crusty old water.

Zed returned to Filgaia, but it was no longer Filgaia; it was now a muddy ball of dog hair and soiled laundry from the dumpster behind the apartment which houses that guy with the foil on his head, who believes he is a metal demon and plans on undergoing all necessary surgeries to become one when his gambling addiction finally pays off.

Zed was so furious, he ripped out the universe's cunt to show it that marriage equality is a fucking lie of communism-fueled ball-slapping wars, then vomited demon menstrual blood on the mudball, restoring it to the form he got laid on. The universe cried as Zed ripped the Milky Way out from the center of the galaxy, to punish Aura for dropping a horse in the soup.

Enraged by the inferior black hole Zed wielded like a flabby cunt, Aura's pointless eyes imploded into antimatter basins, from which she fired a stream of fucktears right through Zed's liver. His eyes became lava as he went into labor and gave birth to a podarge named Jackirkadil Swooponke, a mortgage broker from a dimension where there are only wooden cockroaches. Aura was so surprised her dress exploded, and her tits fell into Ragu Ragula's hot tub of lava and sulphuric acid. The smell of Ragu Ragula's sweaty white dick made Jackirkadil fly to Ragu Ragula's den so he could have it on a sandwich with broken dreams and an overpriced Wacom tablet relic from ancient Hiades. It could fulfill one's deepest artistic desires, yet couldn't teach a budding artist how to not shit rainbows with it. Now it is good for naught except food.

The tablet jumped out of the sandwich and yelled a hole to the past into Filgaia's face, out of which flew Rocky Balboa, with improvised prison shivs duct taped to his knuckles. Rocky flayed Jackirkadil then ate him on Zed's navel while Zed sang folk songs to praise the god of lampshades.

Enraged by Zed's singing, Rocky bit all of his fingernails off, then folded them, using his tongue, into an origami effagy of Clubber Lang's nipples then spat this masterpiece at Zed's hair. It bounced off and ricocheted into a swamp filled with frozen lava where the nipple pirates lived.

The nipple pirates are the forgotten race of Filgaia. They stand, on average, roughly 1.2 centimeters tall, are approximately 65.7 meters wide, and they constantly sing about the obscenities of the cosmos while wooden dolphins cry about the nostalgic past they can never reclaim.

The nipple pirates and wood dolphins waged war, killing each other with laughs until only one remained, a nipple pirate named Nghtillatatr who is a whore all across the cosmos. Her nipple body is wider than most nipple pirates, at 86x9^16 light years in diameter. But she's still not a big enough boob to fall into a black hole and be rocketed straight through the fabric of space and time into the great unknown beyond.

Rocky was sick of Nghtillatatr's falcon voice so he chopped her up into sugar cubes with his bladed knuckles. The shivs have fused with Rocky's flesh, becoming a part of him, because Rocky is a metal demon. Rocky ate all these sugar cubes, converted them to dark matter, then hurled this dark matter into Zed's shitpipe, where they formed Rudy 2.0.

Rudy 2.0 resembled his inferior former self, but toted upon his shoulders ICBM launchers stacked as high as skyscrapers. His fingers were chainsaws, his knuckles were light sabers, and his very skin was woven from barbed wire. Rudy 2.0 fired his entire payload at Rocky, who deflected them with his shivknuckles. Rocky tore out an eyeball and threw it at Rudy's head. It detonated on contact, destroying all of Rudy's ICBM launchers. Rudy was so fucking pissed, he charged straight in and his light saber knuckles sliced off Rocky's shivs. Rudy then opened his mouth which was a trash compactor and crushed Rocky into a cube with the density of neutron star matter, then downed it with a swig of motorcycle blood. Rudy assimilated data from the Rocky cube, becoming Rocky Roughnight!

Rocky Roughnight smashed his fists through the fourth wall and killed everyone in the real world, then punched backwards in time, rewriting history so he didn't destroy the real world. He sutured up the 4th wall hole with his hair then ate a stripclub because he couldn't stop thinking about sandwich bread.

Zed pulled out a crackpipe and snorted Rocky's motorcycle blood with it. His eyes became tigers which lept from his metal skull and these tigers fly through Filgaia's sky every night to this day, boys and girls.


	3. Chapter 3

The portal back to Clive's home planet Filgaia was obscured by the big fat ugly heads which composed Mount Rushmore.

Clive had to clear the rock.

He positioned himself over the heads, and dropped his pants.

The first bomb was on its way. Clive moaned with a blend of pain and pleasure as the explosive stretched his butt, wider and wider. His breathing became labored as the stretching mounted, and after what seemed like hours, the bomb passed the midway point and popped free from his ruined asshole, its fuse already lit.

Clive steeled himself for what was coming next. The next bomb arrived, with less difficulty as it traveled in the wake of the first. When the second bomb popped free, it sent a sharp wave of pleasure up Clive's spine. He couldn't help but touch himself as more bombs dropped free from his cavernous hole.

All too soon, the clutch of bombs was laid. They exploded in near-unison, obliterating the Earthly landmark.

Clive pulled his pants back up and hobbled awkwardly into the portal.


	4. Chapter 4

547 days have passed since Arnaud found his true calling as an airplane salesman. Since then, Arnaud's animalistic mammalflesh has degraded into a form which resembles a bunch of planes stitched together into a vague silhouette of a dragon. This mass fused with Dievas Airport, becoming a museum documenting all the former guardians which have lost their worshippers and since been tossed into the lordly landfill.

In the beginning, there was only Stadlt, worshipped by vorpal apes across Filgaia's once lush masses of jungles. But the jungles perished, one by one, until the shattered vorpal ape race ditched its faith and became a race we earthlings paraphyletically call humans. The last vorpal apes are mere target practice for drifters, and the survivors shed crystalized nostalgic tears at the once great days of the Stadlt temples.

After the fall of Stadlt came Jet Enduro, forged from the scraps of Rudy's skinless corpse. Jet acquired a following of worshippers by hitting them with his eyes until they submitted to his illustrious will, and stealing all the candy bars with his praying mantis ninja speed. But Jet was a deity with an iron fist, an unwelcoming zealot who smashed the unworthy unbelievers just because he could. It wasn't long before the ghosts of the knights overthrew Jet, disassembling his painstakingly crafted masterpiece of a body which made Rudy's look like a DOS computer built by dinosaurs. These Jetscraps were used to engineer the first ARMs.

With the first ARMs built, the sentient xenos inhabiting this rugged planet shifted all worship to its rightful place: the Guardians. For centuries, Solais Emsu would peruse his temples, ejaculate into his palm, then throw it at his female worshippers. It was an honor. Solais Emsu sperm was the most sacred of tonics: it was ambrosia. The ladies would consume this ambrosia, which converted them to a syrup which Solais Emsu slicked across his face to keep it eternally appealing for future lady worshippers to come.

But the day came when the Filgaians opened their eyes to Solais Emsu's sexist tyrannofuckery. In retaliation, they crushed 583 boulders from the driest of deserts into a fine powder. Every man on Filgaia slit his wrist simultaneously and dripped unto the powder a sample of his blood. The blood and powder reacted, producing an explosion so vast it burned Solais Emsu's pornstar mustache right off. Enraged, Solais Emsu flung his burning plus eyes towards the source of the fire blast. From the wake of this grand explosion stepped the most powerful being to ever claim existence. From the dust stepped Raquel Applegate.

Raquel flew to Solais Emsu's lair in space and raised her great blade, Equites, mercilessly bringing the mighty blade of justice down upon Solais Emsu's emo neck, severing his sick head from his perverse body. Raquel ate Solais Emsu's head, then spit the eyes down the neck hole, right into his liver, where they pickled. Raquel pocketed these pickled plus-eyes, for use as a trump card against the future waves of nipple dolphin ghosts. It was then she realized the platform in space upon which Solais Emsu performed his sick rituals was the museum which would be her husband. Raquel sat upon a suspiciously phallic statue, which instantly made her pregnant. She cried as the Andromeda Galaxy started tweeting pregnancy gossip about her to all the other galaxies in this boundless universe.

Arnaud would not have this. He ate his entire vast collection of written knowledge, transforming him into a black hole so massive he sucked in all the galaxies mean enough to dare laugh at his wife. But she was immune, for she was Raquel fucking Applegate.

Consuming the galaxies granted Arnaud enough mass to return to his squishy animal form. He fucked Raquel on top of Solais Emsu's headless body while the Milky Way Galaxy solemnly blogged on tumblr about the futility of biochemical homeostasis.


	5. Chapter 5

Lord Blazer and Knight Blazer were blazing up in the Locus Solus, when Clive Winslet abruptly burst in, ready to avenge the death of his Elw sister. Clive sunk the Locus Solus using his exploding butt eggs, bringing it crashing down upon Laila Belle, where it became skewered upon Kartikeya's house. He was fucking Calamity Jane to troll his friend the TV Studio Employee.

Kartikeya was so enraged by the interruption, he punched a rift through her face, withdrawing from it Rudy Roughnight and Jet Enduro. Kartikeya smashed the two of them together, creating fucked up dubstep sounds which made the Locus Solus dissolve into another timeline to escape the burning death.

TV Studio Employee heard the news from a passing podarge. He bashed in the walls of Kartikeya's house, his fists replaced by chainsaws which were his ARMs.

"YOU QUEEFNUGGET, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONAL GRIEFERS TOGETHER"

Kartikeya laughed so hard he forgot to pull out when he jizzed. Realizing what he just did, Kartikeya jumped out of the hole Tv Studio Employee made, still naked, his meaty junk flopping about like a sock without his jockstrap to stabilize it. It slapped several small children on his way out of town.

Tv Studio Employee killed Jane with his chainsaw fists for being a hooker, then charged into the wilderness after Kartikeya, who had punched open the crystal which contained Graboid and befriended it by giving it a mixtape of good drum & bass songs.

From the gut of its whore mom punched a tiny metal fist, sending a spray of cooling viscera straight through the roof, which hit Clive on the face. Tearing its way free like a chestburster hunting for the pussy came the fall of mankind.

The fall of mankind took to the sky with the power of his seething hostility alone and begun laying waste to the human population within Laila Belle. He tied his umbilical cord around his body in a way which formed a strap for his junk, and burped fire. Fall of mankind can breathe fire.

Tv Studio Employee had gone in the wrong direction, fallen into a Sol Niger, and gotten eaten by its inhabitants. Kartikeya got bored of waiting, so he rode home on his Graboid mount. Laila Belle was in flames, an infant with a metal arm flying around setting fire to humans. Kartikeya shed a manly tear.

"THAT'S MY BOY!"


	6. Chapter 6

Clive Winslet sat down by Kaitlyn's bedside and cracked open a homemade, leather-bound book. This book was worn and homely, yet brimming with generations of beloved nostalgia. Penned and bound by the first Winslet and passed down as an heirloom through the generations, it was Clive's favorite book from when he was a small boy; now it was time it would be his little girl's as well.

As Clive traced his fingers across the worn engravings on the cracked, faded old leather, the words which read "ENOBY'S OBJECTION: A 'MY IMMORTAL' FANFICTION", he shed a tear for the childhood he could never reclaim, one which every person, including his own little one, takes for granted until it is gone all too soon. Except for Jet. All the monsters picked on and poisoned him for good reason, as far as Clive was concerned. It was then the burning question entered Clive's mind: How does an android become poisoned by organic chemistry? Clive pushed the question aside; his mind was drifting again, like earlier when he thought of taking a shower with Catherine. Without any further ado, Clive opened the book to page 1, and read aloud the Winslet heirloom bedtime story:

The storm was thick and gloomy, like the foundation which draped the crimson noble, Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's gorgeous undead eyes. Enoby had been cast out of Hogwarts for distracting her classmates by being too beautiful, so she built a spacecraft and flew to this planet we call Filgaia.

It was here that Enoby met the gorgeous Fereydoon, a noble warrior of the Veruni race. He was, like, HOT. Like, really REALLY hot. His golden eyes pierced right through Enoby's lifeless heart. Except he wasn't Fereydoon anymore. He had converted to Ragu Ragulism and now goes by Damnation. Damnation dyed his pale grayish-green hair black with red streaks, and wears black lipstick. His mask now bears genuine demon horns and his entire wardrobe is solid black with red pentagrams. Damnation's girlfriend, a former human who has been bitten and transformed into a crimson noble, is now called Hell. Hell's violet main outfit is now a leather goffik[sic] corset with red pentagrams printed all over the dress section. She wears upon her chest a brooch depicting Ragu Ragula's faceless visage. Her green hair is dyed blacker than the darkest, coldest night, and her black contacts match.

Hell sensed there was something amiss between Damnation and Enoby, so she tore black abysses into the fabric of space and time, withdrawing from them her ARM. Crafted from the most damned dragon fossils, embossed with demonic runes carved with horns shed by Ragu Ragula, forged within the flames of the Beast's lair, and pulsating with an energy to end all life, it was a weapon granted only to the most devout followers of Ragu Ragula. Hell was one of the chosen few.

From the same abysses flew Janus' distant ancestor, Anus Cascade. Anus was originally named Canus, but he was bi and liked it up the butt, so he had the C dropped. Anus' ex-boyfriend was a Carradine.

Anus Cascade painted upon the ground a pentagram made of his own black blood to summon Ragu Ragula, but he had been mistaken for pasta sauce by Hyadan tourists, slain, and spread all over noodles across Filgaia, creating a pasta age.

With their black hearts crushed by the loss of their Dark Lord, the four realized their petty quarrels were moot, for none of them had any reason longer to live. They passed around Gunner's Heaven cutting themselves with it, while Anus played depressing music with his rare Sound Arcana. Before they departed to the Neverlands, the graveyard of beings unfit for the Heaven/Hell binary, Enoby, Anus, Damnation, and Hell engaged in a foursome, and they all fucked each other because they were all bi. Then Hell, using her damned ARM, sliced everyone's heads off in unison, their putrid blood made of hatred itself staining the pearly gates of Heaven with black and red. They joined Ragu Ragula in the Neverlands, where they had a spiritual fivesome because Ragu Ragula was bi, and actually a hermaphrodite incorrectly labeled by patriarchal assumptions. Ragu Ragula became pregnant from Anus Cascade, and would later give birth to Janus' great-great-great grandfather.

Ragu Ragula hadn't actually died; it has a travel visa and visits the Netherlands to make fun of its inhabitants. It lied about the sauce thing so people would stop fucking summoning it during its bath time. Ragu Ragula made fun of Hell, Enoby, and Damnation, then headed home for its bath. Anus Cascade still pays Ragu Ragula child support to this very day.

Clive closed the beloved old book. Kaitlyn was asleep. He looked out the window. Ragu Ragula was standing outside, a man's spectre handing it a check. Clive thought about taking a shower with Catherine, but that could wait for later. He grabbed Gungnir and headed towards the greedy demon.


	7. Chapter 7

Clive approached Ragu Ragula with his exploding butt eggs in hand. He tried to stuff them up Ragu's rear end, but it lacked orifices except for the ambiguous one it birthed Anus' child through, and violating that one would constitute sexual assault and get Clive hanged in these parts of the planet. So Clive summoned Space Godzilla and had Ragu stomped flat, then ground up into spicy meat for use in pasta sauce all over the world. With the climax of the family fable null and void, Clive had to write a new chapter to "ENOBY'S OBJECTION". Clive swung Gungnir at the air like a blade, slicing a rift through the fabric and opening a portal to the 5th dimension, where a Twilight Venom moth was making love to Sheyenne, whose fetish was the namesake of the show.

Through the other side of the wormhole flew Ashley Winchester, whose entire body was made of rifles and whose hair was refurbished from the rusted remains of Rudy Roughnight. He tore Jet Enduro from another void and bit into the android boy's deceitful flesh, drawing motorcycle blood from the perforations and down the rifled barrel which was his esophagus. Without the motorcycle blood to lubricate his joints and cool his CPU, Jet overheated and exploded, the shrapnel ripping Ashley's face straight off.

Kartikeya jumped out of the wormhole and disassembled Ashley back to his rifle components, using them to rebuild Jet. When Jet reopened his eyes, he bore witness to Kartikeya's handsomely pudgy face, offset by a paradoxically angular nose. It was love at first sight.

Jet raised a hand and stroked Kartikeya's cheek with it, who jumped on him. Jet was already naked, so he ripped Kartikeya's skin-tight uniform straight off and rolled onto his belly. Using motorcycle blood as lube, Kartikeya stuffed his 14 inch Veruni cock all the way up Jet's exhaust pipe. Electro house sounds filled the air as cyborg and android mated. Kartikeya's augmented bionic sperm traveled deep through Jet's system until it reached his CPU, triggering a blue screen error and making him pregnant.

Fall of mankind flew through the wormhole. Jet got a craving and ate him.

Kartikeya laughed, then dickslapped Jet.

Jet was destined to be a housewife.

Clive wiped off his quill pen as the next chapter of the Winslet family heirloom was complete.

Clive went home and took a shower with Catherine.


	8. Chapter 8

From the rusted gunmetal graveyard arose the ghost of Ashley Winchester, and from the neighboring heap of metal creature scrap came Rudy's disembodied software. Ashley and Rudy got into a yo momma battle which was for naught on Ashley's end, for Rudy had no mother. When Rudy finished mocking Ashley because of his girly name, Luceid hit the scene, swearing in an alien language called Italian because it was pregnant, and switched to its male form but was still pregnant!

Luceid's baby was not actually its, for it was a mere surrogate. Jet had used Psycho Shift, passing the burden of gestating the Cataclysm onto a being more suited to harbor such an entity: a Guardian.

Luceid got a craving for soul so it ate Ashley and Rudy's minds, combining them into a singular soul, which merged with the fetus growing within Luceid. The entity's growth spiked with the induction of a soul, and before long Luceid gave birth to a being which was not the Cataclysm the Radicals spoke of, at least not in the sense they had hoped for. Luceid had given birth to Dean Stark, the downfall of the Radical movement.

Dean was hungry, and craved golem to supplement his bio-mechanical flesh, which sunk in water but was unfazed by even the steepest drop. Except for the bottomless drops. They could go fuck themselves with Ragu O Ragla's not-so-subtle bonerspike, as far as Dean was concerned.

Ragu O Ragla is the sibling of Ragu Ragula, also a hermaphrodite hastily labeled by Filgaia's sparkle apes. Unlike Ragu Ragula who is cool with any pronouns, Ragu O Ragla wishes to be referred to as a she, and all the anger in her life stems from the fact that she cannot have this one simple wish fulfilled because apparently her crotchspike looks like a boner to those fucking sparkle apes. Who the fuck do they think they are, flashing their gaudy hair and scarves like they're Guardians?

Ragu O Ragla would not tolerate that any more! She burst free from her restraints and straight to Filgaia's surface, wearing a hot pink tutu and bra. She grabbed both moons and smashed Dean between them. Dean spit out the golem he was eating and raised his fists to the sky, charging them with the power of the sun, and used Solarbeam, blasting Ragu O Ragla against Asgard's boner. She sucked it off real quick, broke it off, then hurled it at Dean's head, leaving a dent in his hair.

Dean was so mad, his hair stood up on end, and his eyes became dragons!

Dean started charging power, so he became locked in a neverending scream loop. During this time, Ragu O Ragla invested in some stocks, had some tea, sold her summer home for profit, then duct taped Dean's mouth shut so he could no longer charge power. Dean was too stupid to figure out the tape, so he flailed like an epileptic gigamantis in vain while Ragu sipped her tea made of money she earned from her smart investing.

Dean fired a laser from his mouth to remove the duct tape, then spit another laser at Ragu O Ragla. She narrowly dodged it, but one of her tentacle-arms was lightly grazed. Enraged, Ragu withdrew two fully automatic machine gun ARMs from the hidden compartments in her oversized forearms then rained bloody magma bullets upon Dean, pelting his body of meat and metal with its very antithesis. Dean roared as his body melted into an amorphous sludge, which could take any form. Dean took the shape of Ragu O Ragla's long-lost mother and ate a poison dart frog. The trigger ripped straight through the deepest depths of Ragu's repressed memories, causing her so much pain she cried rivers of lava which formed a new continent.

Meanwhile, Lombardia was at a seminar for a contracting pyramid scheme, absorbing incredible secrets with which to undermine Ragu O Ragla's real estate monopoly. When the seminar ended, she flew to Humphrey's Peak to eat some trees. It was there she laid eyes upon the most beautiful, divine creature to ever walk the surface of Filgaia. Jet Enduro was humping a pigeon, when he turned to look at her and they locked eyes for the first time.

Lombardia had not learned any pick-up lines at the seminar so she just asked him if he was into mecha-yiff. Jet's violet eyes turned bright pink with positive surprise, since that was his exact fetish. They were meant to be.

Lombardia took the roof off the Winslet house and Jet sealed Kaitlyn's eyes in a jar, to keep them from spoiling. Jet and Lombardia made the most beautiful love right in the living room. Kaitlyn's ears needed not be pickled as well, for all she heard was the sound of EDM.

Lombardia was instantly made pregnant by Jet's datastream. She ate the town's memory figure and gave birth to a golem named Tardgard, who was destined to be the world's first mechanical male stripper. Tardgard took to the air by flailing, dubstep playing audibly for all to hear as he flailed aimlessly through the sky, until landing upon ground zero, where Ragu O Ragla was having a PMS episode. Ragu O Ragla's whining and moonflailing woke Celesdue. Celesdue was so angry and cranky from being woken from her slumber, she killed everyone and used the Reset Arcana she acquired during her yiffy escapades.

Rudy Roughnight was masturbating somewhere far away. A Melchom appeared and kicked him because his face was too fat.


	9. Chapter 9

Abyss wasn't always a bottomless crapsack of nothingness. It was once the 21st Millennium Puzzle, known as Centennial Puzzles back in that day. However, MP21 developed a crippling addiction to Gunner's Heaven gambling, causing it to fall so deep into debt, it imploded upon itself, becoming the Abyss it is today. With the last century unaccounted for, the race of brainteasers renamed themselves Millennium Puzzles, because they dueled in their spare time.

Rudy Roughnight had a feeling of deja-vu, which he knew meant he was in a Reset loop. Hell-bent on ending the neverending loop, Rudy headed to Abyss, to stop Ragu O Ragla's uprising which would anger and wake Celesdue, thus tripping the cycle anew.

Abyss was caught in a pulse-pounding card battle with Millennium Puzzle #7. It was Draw Phase, and Abyss drew a Blue-Eyes White Dragon! But it wasn't really a Blue-Eyes White Dragon. It was Lombardia, trapped in Belial's sub-dimension!

Lombardia flew right out of the card and toasted Millennium Puzzle #7's entire deck with a missile. MP7 claimed victory because Abyss cheated, but Abyss didn't care, for it knew well from all its Gunner's Heaven excursions that discretion is the better part of valor. it was then that Rudy hit the scene. He hopped onto Lombardia, making her transform into her airship form, and flew right into the Abyss. He flew down, down, down, until he reached the 100th floor. Ragu O Ragla was sipping tea.

Sheyenne Rainstorm jumped out of Ragu's teacup and slapped her with his tiny dick. She laughed, then punched it into his liver, where it was mutated into Lombardia's long-lost sister Bomlardigan. Bomlardigan hurled up Brad, who was ready to kill Earth to stop its puny denizens with terrible hair from constantly spreading libel about him. Brad is actually dragonsexual; he is sexually attracted to his wife Bomlardigan and nothing else.

Bomlardigan revealed to Brad that she is pregnant. He was so surprised, he dropped his cannon which was Rudy's lost brother. It fell many miles until it clunked Lord Blazer on the head, causing him to drop the joint he had just blazed up. The joint fell into the Locus Solus' fuel tank, causing it to explode. The shrapnel ripped Ragu O Ragla and Lombardia to shreds. Bomlardigan's sudden emotional trauma from her sister being ripped apart before her very eyes caused her to go into premature labor. She gave birth to Clive Winslet. Brad hadn't actually knocked her up. Her uterus was a cool, green air conditioned space, perfect for reading.

With his source of distraction gone, Brad extended his head down to where his cannon fell, captured it by elongating and wrapping his ears around it like sex tentacles, then hurled it at Earth. The impact destroyed the motherfucking fuck out of the fucking planet. But its shards were angry and wanted revenge, so they embedded themselves into the hearts of all of Filgaia's denizens, cursing them all with the inability to wash out a perpetual smell of sweaty dicks which emanates from their tear ducts any time they say the word "and" and is so overpowering, not even metal demons would touch them. But the metal demons were also cursed with magma shards, which replaced their internal organs with lazy deadbeat foxes who enslave toads on wheels to keep the system running. This system makes constant irritating noises, and the animals' feces just fall wherever.

Zed and Aura got freaky. The curses canceled each other out. They went to spread the word, but they fell into a bottomless pit which was not bottomless but a mobius tube filled with anal lube. They were going to be there a while, so they scooped up the lube and got increasingly kinky to pass the time until Aura died of mercury poisoning from perforating Zed's colon by inserting her entire leg in there. Zed offed himself, his mythril blood staining the walls of the mobius prison.

Somewhere in the distance, the sounds of MRI machines could be heard as they descended into Filgaia's atmosphere.


	10. Chapter 10

Ashley Winchester was at a marketplace populated by weeaboos and literal cat feces animated by alchemy most foul. He was going to sell his yaoi hands to a shota cat turd in need, when all of a sudden the ground began vomiting lightning upwards towards the sky. A red lightning bolt in the shape of a penis slapped Ashley across his beautiful hair, the brilliant flash of energy blinding him temporarily. When Ashley's vision returned, none other than Vash the Stampede was standing before him.

Ashley's eyes became tornado vomit as his heart was filled with so much rage he almost became Knight Blazer involuntarily, like a caterpillar from planet Vegeta.

Vash laughed, then summoned Bad News, but both of them were unexpectedly rained down upon by a shower of smelly bombs which went off simultaneously. They were Rudy's buttbombs!

This angered not only Ashley by robbing him of his vengeance, but Clive as well, for buttbombs were his specialty. Clive flew to the scene using his bombs, then dropped his pants, aimed his bum towards Rudy, and opened fire!

Rudy suffered little damage, as he was not composed of box or cracked wall matter. He dropped his pants and retaliated with a stream of his own bombs, which knocked Clive's glasses off and down Hanpan's throat, who became smarter from the ordeal.

Clive hopped on board an Elw satellite and hijacked it with his dick, using it as a joystick to control the flying device as he rained assbombs down upon Rudy. Rudy dodged them like steaming hot birdpoop, then removed the skin on his feet so he could reconfigure them into hoverboards. To avoid Clive's bombs in the meantime, he jetted across the ground on his ass like Jude. With his hoverfeet built, Rudy took to the sky like Iron Man, soaring into space and pinpointing Clive's puny satellite. He dropped a bomb. Critical hit!

Clive roared as his satellite was blown to bits. He jumped onto Rudy, sat on his face, and unloaded his bombs. They blasted Rudy's face off. It flew into orbit and smacked Clive on the rebound; he was so surprised by it, he let his guard down just long enough for Rudy to bend him over and stick his dick in him, using it like an ovipositor to fill Clive with his own bombs. The bombs detonated within Clive, killing the fuck out of him and splattering Rudy with his guts. Rudy ate Clive's viscera, gaining his powers of sass. His hair also turned green.

Rudy flew to the nearest town and asked the ARMsmith to fix his feet. He ran away screaming. Rudy cried.

The Perpetual Engine fortold of Arnaud's destiny as an airplane salesman. Rudy unleashed a gatling raid of bombs upon Perpetual Engine, killing the fuck out of it. Arnaud decided to become a car salesman instead. The cycle is broken.

Rudy flew to New Moon on his hoverfeet and had a motorcycle blood and lead cocktail with Zed, reanimated using Clive's heart as a sacrifice. They discussed vaginas.


	11. Chapter 11

Zed revived Aura by eating all the guardians, shaking them all up in his gut, then spitting them back out as a metal chamber from which emerged a new Aura, who was but a larva and had to spend her new life in a pool of mercury until she could at last reach her adult form, which is not human, nor a Metal Demon, but a Yeerk in a form which Zed can still fuck.

Rudy was in a bar, hitting on the jukebox. Today is the 6th anniversary of him coming out as machine. He talked dirty to her in binary. She switched to his favorite song. But the jukebox was a whore, having had previous flings with Jet, Asgard, and a Reclaimer Dragon, all at once. Rudy knew she was not the one. He approached the cash register, and asked if she was single. The cash register was dating the bartender.

Furious at his inability to find a date, Rudy threw a laptop douchebag out the window and hit on the computer, who was a lesbian, so he went to find pictures of exposed computer parts to fap to. The computer had no antivirus and Rudy caught SpySheriff! He blue screened, but his reset button was on his taint!

From the blue voids which replaced Rudy's eyes jumped Ashley Winchester, furious at having been forgotten, and brandishing an upgraded version of his bayonet which was a dildo forged within the sexually frustrated mangina of Caina, which was not really a mangina for it was a crucible in which his repressed sexual fantasies burned ever more, driving him to be a dick with a key which he wished was the key to true love but was instead nothing more than a harbinger of endless suffering.

Ashley bashed Zed with the dildo, causing his head to explode. Shrapnel made of gay sex with no lubricant showered Ashley, causing him to sprout a growth from the space between his chest and navel, which grew and became Brad Evans!

Brad could not speak any Filgaian language, except for a single phrase: BRAD SMASH. He reiterated this phrase endlessly, like a number one pop song, as he swung his massive yaoi fists around and around, decimating the shit out of everything around him while somewhere nearby, Lucied cried into a jelly-filled donut because he was self-conscious about his body shape.

Greg Russelberg rode to the scene on a jetboard of crystallized golem tears, then masturbated while crying, nostalgia of a better time filling his green eyes. His jizz flew straight down Brad's throat, where it formed Ted, who wasn't really Ted but the antithesis to the fetish fuel antithesis of canon love, straight from the hellish, filthy dredges of the yaoi fangirl brain. Ted burst from Brad's chest and flew to Laila Belle, his hands becoming RPGs which he launched at Kartikeya's house. Kartikeya was jerking it off with his golem hand to elemental lizard porn. He's into bestiality.

Greg burst in and made fun of Kartikeya for jacking off with his left hand, also laughing at his dong because it was shaped like a crucified Graboid. This made Kartikeya so mad, he kicked his jock strap at Greg's head. The straps latched right on, moist Veruni dicksweat quickly flooding his nose and mouth.

Greg flailed around the room like an epileptic Magikarp as Ted sang of a future where all peoples can accept one another as equals.

Ignoring the two, Kartikeya resumed fapping to his lizard porn, until at last getting off. His jizz evaded the jock strap blocking the way, and flew right down Greg's throat.

Greg is now pregnant.


	12. Chapter 12

Aura's limbs sprouted at long last. She burst free from her mythril prison and touched Rudy in a naughty place, resetting him.

Greg burst into the metal demon bar, yelling in some fucked up language unknown to any Filgaian peoples, except for Ard. He had fallen into a wood chipper for rocks, but was reborn as a humanoid figure made of flowers, thanks to the magic of a Sol Niger named Grrtlo. Grrtlo is the last remaining unpurified Sol Niger, for her presence is so well accepted by the inhabitants of the planet, and Filgaia herself, that she opened a flower shop to end Mariel's monopoly at long last. Grrtlo sells ley points to fourth wall tourists as well.

Grrtlo also entered the bar, greeting the sylvan incarnate of Ard, who is her boyfriend, with a long, deeply passionate kiss. Rudy watched the scene and got a boner, then remembered he's a machine and cried. From Rudy's tears materialized Ptolomea, who snatched up all the people in the bar with his ARM and threw them out a window. It was a sky bar, and a long, long way down...

Ashley moaned into Marina's mouth as he hungrily kissed her, his tongue desperately rubbing hers as drool soaked the pillow beneath them. Years of sexual tension had broken at long last, and it has led...to this.

Marina rolled Ashley over so he was on his back, her on top of him. She tore his shirt off, breaking their kiss so she could lick his nicely toned body. She started by licking and biting at his neck, then worked her way down to his collarbones, until stopping at his nipples, her tongue swirling against them. Ashley could only gasp as his pants grew ever tighter.

Marina relieved him of this tension by unbuckling his belt and pulling his pants down, revealing his throbbing, hungry cock. Marina reached down and stroked it. Ashley moaned like a whore.

"Uuunghhh...I wanna...fuck you...so bad, Marina..."

Marina smiled coyly. "There will be plenty of time for that, but first, you got more coming to you, sexy." She kneeled down and positioned her head so her tongue could rub his taint, then his hole. Ashley was surprised, but certainly did not complain as her tongue worked his wonderfully sensitive asshole. There was some discomfort, as he had never even thought of masturbating in that region, but using her saliva as lubricant, Marina slowly accustomed Ashley's butt to one finger, then two, then three, until he was crying with ecstasy as nearly her whole fist worked him.

"M-Marina...stop, I-I'm gonna...aaahhh..."

She pulled her hand out just before he could take no more, watching with satisfaction as he shook with desire on the bed beneath her, desperately trying to keep himself under control.

"Mmm, I think that's enough..." Marina climbed on top of him, positioned herself just right, then lowered herself onto his rock-hard, searing hot cock, relishing the feeling as it slowly but surely filled her up. Ashley couldn't make a sound. He was seeing stars. The way she squeezed against him...mmmppphhh...

"M-Marina..." He finally managed to find words. "Doesn't this...h...hurt...you any...?"

Without a word, she opened up the night stand which was just within reach, withdrawing from it a vibrating dildo. "This answer your question?" She tossed the dildo onto the floor and kissed Ashley viciously as she rode him like a horse.

"A-Ashley! Uhhh, yessss~"

"Ooooh, Marinnnaaa...unfh, uh...Guardians...aaahhhhh..." It took all of Ashley's force power not to lose his shit, as he was already so far gone from the fingering.

Marina rode Ashley ever faster, their moans becoming ever louder, escalating into screams even.

"AAASHLEEYYY!" Marina yelled, losing her uphill battle against her orgasm.

"AAAAH...MARINAAA...!" Ashley could take no more.

" ...AAAASSSHHHHHHHHLLARRIIIINNNAAAA!" was all anyone outside would have heard as the horny young lovers drove each other over the edge, orgasming in unison. Ashley ground his hips as hard and close to Marina's as he could as he came deep inside of her. He couldn't help but stick a finger in his ass, to enhance his climax. Marina collapsed on top of him, and they shared one more make-out before they passed out together, completely spent...

The freefallers from the sky bar, which was positioned right over top of Meria's bakery, finally reached Filgaia's surface.

CRASH! Greg who was on his third trimester, Rudy who had blue screened on impact, Aura the humanoid Yeerk, Grrtlo the friendly Sol Niger, and Ard the Lizardian-turned-flower-man, all landed right on top of Ashley and Marina accompanied by a massive spray of roof-rubble. Ashley was still somewhat hard. His dick accidentally slipped into Grrtlo's pussy.

This made Ard super furious. He ripped from the wall the framed Vash picture Marina fantasized about when spending quality time with her vibrator, then hit Ashley's dick with it, giving him erectile dysfunction. It was for naught, since Ashley was so potent, so incredibly virulent, that his first time would already produce twins. Ashley laughed at Ard's failure then slapped him with his now flaccid dick, fixing its erectile dysfunction. Ashley fucked Marina's butt in her sleep. Everyone else watched and masturbated.

Kartikeya kicked down the door, grabbed Greg by the crotch and dragged him out by it, for Greg was now his bitch. He beat Greg for overcooking the golem salad. Greg giggled, then spit salt up Kartikeya's nose. He saw the error of his ways and became a perfect spouse, and would donate all of his disposable income to Mithysmere's children to help atone for his sins.

Greg went into labor and gave birth on Kartikeya's face. The baby was an anthropomorphic cockroach named Derti, destined to become the next Sound Guardian after Sudart, the half-brother of Stadlt, would be forgotten and his mediums used as coasters for Johnny Appleseed bottles.

Ashley pulled out of Marina's butt, to avoid making her buttpregnant, then jizzed upwards through the hole in the ceiling. The jizz rained down upon the rest of the uninvited guests, melting them into a puddle of piss which Kartikeya drank.

Kartikeya and Greg went home to Laila Belle and cuddled while watching elemental lizard porn. Ashley patched up the hole in the ceiling and laid back down with Marina. He still had a boner. He stuffed it up his own butt.


	13. Chapter 13

In the beginning, long before the vorpal apes' temples of Stadlt even, Filgaia's surface bore no water, not even sand dunes. Unlike contemporary Hiades, whose surface was a boundless shallow sea, Filgaia was but a desolate rock. Or so it seemed.

Paleozoic Filgaia would appear uninhabited to any outsider, but beneath this surface, in a layer between the crust and mantle, was a sea of mud brimming with primitive life, as is written in the ancient tomes. In time, these creatures would venture out of the planet's ley points and onto its surface. Oxygen gas leaks from primitive microbes in ley geysers provided fuel for these adventurous amphibian-analogues. But they would still need to return to the mud to bear their next generation.

From the ley drifters arose the first reptilian monsters, who possessed a magic film capable of retaining this lifemud, so they did not have to breed beneath the planet's crust. In time, these creatures would become more advanced, eventually giving rise to the mammalian Gobs, Elw, and humans. The miniature lifemud resevoir was upgraded upon by a biological ley point called the placenta, but the fetus is still suspended in lifemud, its support necessary for their early stages of life.

Then came the neosapiens from planet Hiades, who saw the native humans as effagies of their own form. They were wiped out in a mass genocide, driving the Elw to flee the planet.

But a few native humans survived. They would found the sub-Baskar village, built beneath Filgaia's crust in the lifemud layer, their oxygen supplies being disguised as dead volcanos known as Mt. Chug-Chug and Abyss. When their numbers were replenished at long last, the subjugated native Filgaians waged war upon the neosapiens, a war of identity which angered Stadlt, the guardian of phylogenetics. Stadlt designated neosapiens a separate, unrelated species to Filgaia's humans, and banished them to their homeworld. If they returned, the wrath of Stadlt, the forgotten guardian, would strike them down. This wrath, as Stadlt's name was lost due to his period of worship predating written language, would be erroneously attributed to Filgaia herself, and this error never corrected, for all records and mediums of Stadlt have since been lost or stolen by exiled neosapiens.

Some Filgaian humans were mistaken for/assumed to be neosapiens due to their refusal to take blood tests for DNA testing. Without the guardian of phylogenetics to differentiate them, they would seem to be neosapien, so the races inevitably interbred, giving rise to the Veruni.

As Jet eventually rose to power, Stadlt henceforth lost what little influence he had on the planet, until at last, his force power reached a critical low, causing him to be taken to the Neverlands, never to serve as a guardian again. Without phylogenetics to keep order, polyphylys and paraphylys sprung up across Filgaia's surface. Horses, chickens, pidgeons, cats, dogs, all identical to their Hiadan counterparts in every way, were birthed from the diverse orifices of monsters.

With the advent of taxonomic science, some of this chaos has been mitigated, but without Stadlt's influence over Filgaia's diverse creatures, slip-ups can and do still occur. These failures of phylogenetics are the equivalent to genetic mutations, allowing Filgaia's creatures to evolve rapidly and drastically.

Greg and Kartikeya's cockroach child Derti wiped the lifemud from her eyes and headed to Baskar village, to be ordained as a Pillar, planning to sacrifice herself to bring Stadlt back from the Neverlands. But she was mistaken for a monster, and destroyed by the exploding butt eggs of Brad.

News of the existence of another butt egg wielder quickly made way to Rudy and Clive. They ran to Baskar Village to challenge Brad, to find out who was superior. Though Clive had lost the last battle, he was damned certain he did not lose the war. Clive was brought back from a phylogenetic lapse, when an earth lizard did not give birth to an earth neonate.

The butt egg war commenced, the entire village quickly destroyed as Clive, Brad, and Rudy all fired their payloads at one another. This war would rage on for decades, for none of them were able to be injured by bomb blasts. Eventually, they conceded their complete and utter equality in the matter, signing the Treaty of Butteggas. Never again would butt egg wielders wage wars of superiority; they would accept their rare talents as being unique amidst one another, not just to one individual.

Greg and Kartikeya sacrificed the 27th letter of the Filgaian alphabet which does not have a key on any Hiadan keyboard, to bring their daughter back to the material world. But she refused, for she was in the Neverlands, having a thrilling discussion with Stadlt about all the things wrong with conventional thinking and how sapience convolutes virtually everything, even the simplest of concepts.

Derti sent a telepathic message to her parents commanding them to sacrifice something else and try again. They tore off the TV Studio Employee's head and microwaved it. Stadlt grabbed onto Derti and was transported with her back to the real world.

At long last, Stadlt, the guardian of phylogenetics, can once again maintain order in Filgaia's ever-changing ecosystems. But Derti is a contradiction, an abomination, and something must be done. Stadlt altered Derti's form to that of the human-Veruni hybrid it was meant to be. As a humanoid being, Derti became incredibly beautiful; so much, in fact, that both of her dads were drawn to her more than they were one another even. They formed an incestuous love triangle which makes all guardians except for Stadlt cry. Stadlt cares only for the sanity of evolutionary heritage.

Stadlt cleaned the dust and piles of trilobite corpses out of his long-abandoned house in the guardians' pantheon. He plopped down on his own bed for the first time in millions of years, and masturbated.


End file.
